‘Real Housewives of New Jersey’ Recap: TG This Shit Is Over
Thank you base god, the finale of is here. I literally dont think I could have made it another week of this shit. starts next week and I need to devote all my Bravo attention to that shit show. At least its entertaining. But hey. Lets wrap it up, shall we?
Tbh, I missed last weeks episode because I was busy Sunday and then Bravos website was being weird and I couldnt watch it online. But if its gone like the rest of this season it was something along the lines prison, yoga, Jacqueline and Teresa hate each other, I love Chris Laurita, repeat. The sad part is Im probs spot on.
This week starts with a recap to Dolores ladies night at her shitty-ass gym. Apparently Jacqueline didnt go and D called her out for it and Jacqueline thinks she was being set up. Seems dramatic, but personally, Im hoping Dolores goes off because her Jersey Shore is just below the surface. Its the finale. Time to let your freak flag fly, D.
Melissa is getting ready for the Envy fashion show and she admits she has no idea wtf shes doing. Fucking finally. Self-awareness is a really important thing to have in this world. Snaps for Melissa.
So it turns out Jacqueline missed Ds gym party because she was sick and D knew this was happening and called her on camera to ask where tf she was anyway? Oh that does seem set up-y. Shady boots, D. I like it! Chris says Jacqueline needs to get to the bottom of this shit and I agree because Chris is bae.
Teresa about Jacqueline: Shes like Osama Bin Laden.
WHOA. Now Im fucking annoyed. How ignorant can you be? Bin Laden killed thousands of innocent people in one of, if not the, most horrific terrorist attacks of all time. Jacqueline called you (a convicted felon) a criminal, which is accurate. THERES A DIFFERENCE. Shit, Im heated.
Richie and Kathy show up at the fashion show and greet Tre in the most awkward way possible. So Tre does the normal thing you do when family says hello: run away. Nice. Are they like Saddam Hussein for saying hi or what?
Sigs and D show up screaming “hey” at everyone. Theyre such whoo girls its not even funny. D pulls Kathy aside to talk shit about Jacqueline and Kathy is a ride or die bitch and isnt having it. Tre comes up and is like “I wish Jacqueline well but, shes an evil person.” Man, you and your little forehead can STFU. Im done after the Bin Laden comment. Sorry, Teresa fans.
Fashion show time! Fucking finally. I feel like weve been building up to this for years. This is the most incohesive, garbage collection Ive ever seen. There are jorts and blazers and bathing suits? Idk. Maybe thats considered high fashion in Jersey.
Melissa: I wanna thank my kids because mama has been so busy. This is what mama has been doing!
Gorga kids: Thats fucking it?
Siggy has decided to be the peacemaker one last time before this season ends and host a lunch with all the girls to make amends. LOL rookie mistake, Sigs. Dinner parties/luncheons with housewives never end well.
Dolores and her ex-husband go on what looks a lot like a date. I still dont understand these two and their relationship. We learn two things from this date. 1) Frank is in a relationship with the most stable, confident woman in the entire world because I would NEVER let my man be this chill with his ex. Sorry Im not sorry. And 2) D is on Franks life insurance policy so like, if he dies mysteriously, we know who did it.
Teresas lawyer comes over for tea or something? I dont have legal counsel on call so idk how this shit works. Teresa is worried about finances, which makes sense given that money is the reason she went to prison.
Teresa: From Skinny Italian to Turning Tables, Im a totally different person.
Yeah, the slammer will harden a bitch up. Thats for sure.
Siggy and her mom go on a double mommy-daughter date with D and her mom. Theyre just so cute and genuinely sweet. Theyre really not cut out for Bravo. All I know is this little party has a charcuterie platter and thats all I need to be happy. Damn, that cheese looks good. This is the most exciting thing to happen this whole episode.
During this dinner party, we learn that Siggy stole some shit when she was a teenager because she wanted to go to jail rather than going to Israel with her parents. Its like Miss Rhode Island in Miss Congeniality stealing red Satans panties. Damn Sigs. Youre wild!
Over at Melissas house, Joe Gorga made Melissa dinner. Well isnt that nice and un-misogynistic of him. He even apologizes for that bullshit line about Melissa bringing in crumbs and him bringing in the cake. He may have just moved into the spot of my favorite Joe on . Yay, Joe Gorga! You did it!
Time for the peace treaty luncheon. Sigs gets there first and removes all knives from the table. Atta girl. Now youre thinking. And she hired security. Thats also a good call. Then again, its not necessarily a good sign that the person who is holding this lunch to bring everyone together thinks that knife removal and security guards might be needed.
Jacqueline shows up and Siggy is in tears. Drink every time Sigs cries. JK dont. You wont be alive very long. Jacqueline seems pretty levelheaded and ready to have mature adult convos, but like, I dont expect that to last very long but fine.
D walks in next and she and Jacqueline hug and apologize for everything they said and did. Holy fuck, this is so civilized. Everything is all good. Just like that. Is this how real adults act? Jacqueline says she wants to meet with Teresa and Melissa one-on-one when they get there because she doesnt want to be ganged up on, which makes sense. But yeah, thats not gonna happen.
Teresa and Melissa walk in and Jacqueline immediately starts telling them what to do. Shit Jacqueline, thats not how to go about this. Teresa calls Jacqueline a teacher? Then Jacqueline calls her a bitch? Then Teresa calls her the c-word? Remember when your husband called you that when he thought you werent listening but his mic was on? Sorry. All gloves are off.
But in Teresas defense, Jacqueline started that whole thing because she talked to them like they were her kids and/or dogs.
Jacqueline leaves. Siggy and D chase after her and then she drives off. They go back inside. Tre and Melissa talk shit. Then what happens? We talk about prison and yoga. OF COURSE WE DO!
And thats a wrap! Hallelujah this shit is over.
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