Real Housewives of New Jersey Recap: These Hoes Aint Loyal
Sup, Bravo fans? Tbh, idk remember what happened last week. I guess I celebrated Columbus Day and the worlds most uncomfortable debate a little too hard. So Im just gonna dive into this week and remember as I go, deal?
Oh yeah. All the Vermont shit. TG for these 30 second recaps at the beginning of every episode. This week starts with Dolores and Siggy hanging out. Obvi. Theyre like a Jersey, brunette, less funny version of Romy and Michele. Looks like D got her new kitchen. Mazel tov! Siggy brings up Vermont and you can see in Dolores eyes that shes wondering where tf her Valium is rn. Siggy has come up with this idea that Jacqueline is mad at her because she didnt stick up for her in Vermont. Like shes real fucking pissed and she has no clue if Jacqueline is actually upset. Shes a textbook over analyzer. CHILL. They keep reviewing everything that happened in Vermont and Im so bored that I get excited when we move on to Melissas boutique. Thats really saying something.
Melissas business partner, Jackie, dyed her hair a weird color again and internet sales are down. Its a bad day at Envy. Im honestly in shock that anyone buys anything at this store, tbh. Theyre talking about the fashion show and Jackie is like oh btw Im gonna be on vacay in the Bahamas so I wont be here sorry not sorry. Wow, the women of Jersey really arent very business savvy. I feel like Snooki and J-Woww could operate shit better than this store and Ds sketchy-ass gym.
Melissa takes this opportunity to talk to her manager about him maybe/maybe not getting Teresa in extra legal trouble. Lol, Jersey probs. During the whole confrontation, hes making bizarre facial expressions. Like, you should have practiced that in the mirror before the camera crew arrived. Just a word of advice. He says hes innocent. Melissa buys it. Another anticlimactic moment.
Romy and Michele come over to Jacquelines so Sigs can confront her about their imaginary problem. They sit down and Sigs is the open book that she is. I mean, at least shes not fake, right? *Looks at Melissa*
Jacqueline is just like nope not mad at all and everything is all good again. Damn, these people are levelheaded. Chris chimes in and gives a perfect metaphor about a dog biting you after being abused. I think Jacqueline is the dog in this situation and Teresa and Melissa are the abusers? Idk.
Siggy announces that shes not going to Melissas fashion show because shes a ride or die betch, but maybe she just doesnt wanna go to some wack fashion show and this is a way out? I see you, Sigs. But either way I think youre cool af.
Joe Gorga goes over to Teresas house for lunch and he brought her a sandwich. Uh oh, Joe. A male bringing a female food?!?! Your dick might fall off, you girly man. We talk about everyones favorite subject. No not, the Jacqueline-Teresa feud. No, not yoga. Prison. Joe says he was pissed at Joe Giudice for getting his sister indicted on like, a million counts of federal charges. Yah, Id say thatll do it. I stopped paying attention after that because I cant care about incarceration anymore. Like I physically cant do it.
Siggy is meeting Melissa at a coffee shop to break the news that shes not going to the Envy fashion show because shes #TeamJacqueline. Please note: Siggy pays for a $3 cup of coffee with a $100 bill. TELL ME THESE PEOPLE ARENT IN THE MOB.
Anyway, Melissa gets there and Siggy wastes no time being like ya know when Jacqueline said I thought you were phony? Well yah, she aint lying. Oh and Im not going to your fashion show. So is anyone going? Melissa is peeved because shes on Jacquelines side. Melissa calls Siggy weak and now Im just pissed off. Sigs being a good friend doesnt make her weak. Ugh. These hoes aint loyal. Melissa starts talking about stripper-gate again and how Jacqueline might have had something to do with it. I still dont know wtf stripper-gate is.
Dolores goes Easter shopping with her mom, and I take away two things off the bat. 1) Is Easter shopping a thing? 2) Is Dolores adopted? D is really struggling with being independent and not just mooching off her ex Frank. Im pretty sure they say independent 1000 times. I-N-D-E-P-E-E-N-D-E-N-T, do you know what that means? Also, back to her mom, she looks a lot like Ina Garten. Fuck, I love that woman.
Its time for the Posche fashion show, which is not to be confused with the Envy fashion show. This ones Kim D.s store. Dolores and Jacqueline are the only wives that go. Bummer. Im pretty sure this was the event where Ashlee pulled Danielles hair that one time. God, I miss vintage . Anyway, Jacqueline and D are hanging out with Kim, and surprise surprise. Shes talking shit. God love her. She pretty much says what we already knew: Joe Giudice cheated on Teresa when she was in the slammer. Fucking duh. Then the fashion show starts and damn this shit is terrible.
Me: I love all these clothes. Where did you get them?
Kim D.: My store, Posche.
Me: Those are the ugliest effing clothes Ive ever seen.
Melissa, Teresa, Siggy and Dolores all go to lunch together. Immediately, Sigs is like jk Im coming to your fashion show. Wtf? I just got whiplash. What happened to the loyalty? Teresa is talking mad shit about Jacqueline, and Dolores, being the cool girl that she is, tell her to STFU. Let me tell yall something. Tre is scared of D, so you know she must be a closet bscb. The convo turns to prison and Joe going away and like I said earlier, Im done with this.
Chris is launching his popcorn line and Im trying really hard not to make fun of it because I love him. All the Teresa haters are out in full force. Dolores decides shes having a ladies night and Kathy and Teresa are both invited. Bring on the fighting! Thats what we watch this shit for
Chris makes a speech about their precious autistic son and now Im crying. We made it a few weeks without any tears, and now were back. Chris also announces that Ashlee and Pete (I think?) are having a baby. Well that was fast. For the record, my Southern Baptist mother would not scream with excitement at a grand baby if I wasnt married yet. Jacquelines not a regular mom, shes a cool mom.
Dolores decides to pull Chris aside and tell him not to go to Joe Giudices going away party because Jacqueline isnt going and you stay by your wife no matter what. Loyalty is the name of the game this week, yall. To people normally throw going to prison parties? Is that like, a normal celebration?
We come back from commercial and Teresa and Dolores are at mass to have a quick powwow. Is this a Jersey thing? Theyre talking about heavy prison shit. Idk why Im surprised by this at this point. Thats all this show is this season, but this scene has prayers and super dramatic music. And then its over. On the worlds most depressing note. Next week, Joe Giudice goes to prison. Guess Im going to have to talk about it whether I want to or not.