1. These days, people seem to assess the strength of your feelings for them by the speed at which you respond to their texts or like their posts on social, which istotally unfairtothose of us who sometimes wish to hibernate at length from every singleform of communication.
2. If you dont respond in a timely fashion, people will actually start to think somethings wrong and reach out to you AGAIN, adding to the intimidating backlog of messages lingering in thenever-endingdigital hellholethat is your smartphone.
3. Its virtually impossible to turn your phone off for more than an hour without alarming everyone close to you and thus inviting a slew of “u ok?!!!” texts.
4. Once you do muster the strength to ring a friend or family member, most of them think its totally reasonable to request FaceTiming or Skyping instead of just chatting, as if you need to inject more face-to-face human contact into your already face-heavy day.
5. Group emails and group texts make the process of choosing a restaurant and/or activity and/or time to meet up much more tedious than it needs to be.
6.It’s as if mostpeople just don’t understand thatendless back-and-fortheven the remote kind that doesnt require speakingis absolutely soul-crushing, not to mention physically draining.
7.But if you choose to spare yourself fromparticipating in a thread (because you’d so much rather delete every message that pops up until a final decision is maderegardinglocation, time, and place), youll be branded a jerk or a reclusive slut or something.
8.There’s no way to unsubscribe from a group message or avoid providing at least onenugget of input without looking like an asshole and/or alienating all your friends.
9. Every hummingvibration in your back pocket or handbag isa blaring reminder that youre one unanswered phone call or text away from distancingyourselffrom yet another person who cares enough to touch base regularly.
10.You’ll never comprehend why people are alwaysaddingothers to the mix, as if getting accustomed to the idea of a meal with friends instead of one doesnt require rewiring your brain for a few hours in advance of meeting up irl.
11.The mind-boggling phenomenon that is tagging othersin social media posts againsttheir will, which feels like a remote invasion of space.
12. The accidental CC (instead of BCC) and the reply all havoc it wreaks.
13. The fact that anyone is even able to hit a reply all button.
14. The stress induced by receiving a double or triple text that somehow radiates unsettling urgency, even if it’s just a friend asking “what’s up?”…”you out?”…”wanna hang?”
15. Is there such a thing as a non-traumatizing notification sound or ringtone??? Nope!
16. Sure, you can turn off the volume, but your phone still sits there accruing bold-faced, unread messagesyoueventually have to reply tounless of course you’re ready to remove yourselffrom societyaltogether.
17.The angsty hesitation thatprecedessetting your phone on do not disturb mode, which basically advertisesvia tiny faded half-moonthat youre an introvert who would rather not be talking to anyone ever.
18. Read receipts.
19. That ellipsis that outs you for being present, and probably typing, deleting, and retyping every single message before finally hitting send.